It’s a trite and all too common sentiment…learn to love yourself! It often is misconstrued as either a plea for a self-worth boost or a mockery of a too needy state. The fact of the matter is, if we don’t understand the experience of feeling self-love and self-compassion, we cannot share love and compassion with anyone else. And that means being disconnected from ourselves and others. And unless we’ve devoted years of self-inquiry and growth, it eludes us just when we need it the most.
Self-love for the rest of us
There are shelves of books about self-love in the self-help section of your local bookstore. This is a simple blog post that explains the foundation that is needed to begin to explore ways to experience self-love. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Let’s start with a definition: Self-love is knowledge and acceptance of your worth to facilitate connection, commitment to self-care in equal proportion to your care of others to establish boundaries, and exploring and practicing what fulfills you enabling you to share your gifts and talents with those around you.
Simple steps to learn self-love
Knowledge and acceptance of your worth
Start by asking your friends why they’re your friends. What is it about you that they appreciate and how you impact their lives? Even if you have two or three close friends, that’s enough. Write it down on a notecard or journal and meditate on what they shared for 5 – 10 minutes a day for one month. Observe how these attributes grow in you as you become mindfully focused on them and how they impact connection
Commitment to self-care in equal proportion to your care of others
Notice how you interact with others when they are in need. What role do you play? What do you say to them? How do you treat them? Make a list. When you experience feeling stressed, sad, or taken advantage of, pull out your list and play that friend role, say those encouraging things, and treat yourself as if you matter. And if someone needs you when you need to center yourself, ask them to wait until you have something to give them in support. Create the boundary in the yogic tradition by following this great article.
Exploring and practicing what fulfills you
Give yourself permission to explore what gives your life meaning and purpose. It may be as simple as going back into your childhood and remembering what excited you and created a sense of love and belonging. It may take a while to figure this out and just let it be what it is. Once you have any small thing identified, do it. Again and again.
Please share below any insights, discoveries, or comments on ways you develop self-love and how these suggestions worked for you.
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Love, Light, Prayers, and Peace!
Alyson Phelan, Certified Mindfulness, Yoga, and Meditation Teacher
